MSU Extension Child & Family Development

“I hate you!” “You are the meanest mom ever!” “I don’t love you!”

Sometimes our children say the worst things when they are upset. Wouldn’t it be lovely if your children said clearly, “I am struggling with math class.” “I am worried because I heard you fighting with Dad.” “I am sad because my friend stopped talking to me.” As tempting as it can be to scold your child in those moments for being disrespectful, if we can listen for the meaning behind their words, we can often use these moments to get down to the core of what is going on and help our children and youth learn to better express their tough feelings. Let’s cover a few translations of common things you might hear from your children.

• “I hate you!” often means, “I am mad at you and I want you to know how serious this is to me!” Why do children say I hate you? They know it’s a way to express that they are REALLY mad but they don’t have the words to explain why they’re mad. They may be thinking something like “I am really disappointed we can’t do that and I don’t understand why.” As parents, we can translate this and say back to them, “Wow! I hear that you are really upset about this. I know it can be really disappointing when we can’t do the things we want.” When we respond calmly and provide a “translation,” we are helping children learn self-control and emotional regulation.
• “You are the meanest mom/dad ever!” may actually mean “You have put a boundary in place that I don’t like/understand/want.” The truth of the matter is that as parents we have to put in place limits that kids don’t always want. They don’t understand why we said no ice cream before dinner, because ice cream is delicious and broccoli is not. We can respond to them by acknowledging what they are upset about. “You are really disappointed that I said no to ice cream right now. I like ice cream a lot too, but it’s almost dinner time.” By responding with a more clear definition of what is wrong or what your rationale is, you are helping them develop their awareness of appropriate choices. They may not agree with your rationale, but you are helping them understand your motivations and reasoning as a parent. This helps them think through these choices when they are older and you are not there to tell them yes or no.
• “You don’t love me/I don’t love you!” can translate to “I am really mad and can’t understand your choice/reason/etc.” Just like “You are the meanest mom ever,” this phrase is often used when children are really mad about a decision we have made and they can’t understand why we are saying no. It can be hard for kids to learn that our limits and boundaries aren’t in place because we want to be mean, but rather for a logical reason they just don’t see. You can reply by acknowledging their feelings and stating your reason. “Wow! I hear that you are really mad because I said no swimming right now. We need another adult to go swimming. I know it’s disappointing.”

When we are able to listen for children’s meaning behind their words and then offer a calm translation or response, we are helping children learn about their own feelings and aiding them in developing self-regulation. After all, we don’t want our children to grow into adults who say “You are the meanest boss” instead of being able to say “I am concerned that I won’t be able to meet that goal. Can we revisit that target?” As hard and hurtful as it can be when children say mean things, it often is an indication that you have a strong relationship with your child. They trust you to know that they don’t really hate you, they just don’t have the words to explain their big feelings.

To learn more about how to talk with your children consider joining the “The Parent Talk System” series from Michigan State University Extension.