MSU Extension Healthy Relationships

Sometimes anger and frustration are the result of very real problems in our lives. Anger can be a healthy, natural response. However, anger does not solve problems, and our emotional responses can make our behavior part of the problem and not part of the solution.

When problems go unresolved, it may lead to worsening anger and frustration that negatively impacts relationships, causes sleep deprivation, headaches, high blood pressure and digestive problems. When problems are solved effectively, everyone wins. Having the ability to solve problems is an important skill for which there are many frameworks and approaches.

Through Michigan State University Extension’s RELAX: Alternatives to Anger program, problem solving is presented as a six-step process that begins with identifying the problem:

1. Identify the problem.
2. Keep your cool.
3. Don’t take it personally.
4. Listen to the person who is angry.      
5. Think of solutions together.
6. Check back in.

Six steps for problem solving

• Step 1: Identify the problem. Acknowledge the problem, but do not dwell on it. Remember, what you focus on expands and feeding negativity may block solutions. Shift your focus to possible solutions that may resolve the conflict or disagreement and away from “what went wrong" or “whose fault it is.” For problem solving to take place, we must first agree on what the problem is and move from there.
• Step 2: Keep your cool. Being emotionally charged may temporarily block our ability to access the logical functions in the brain. Without the ability to remain calm, intense emotions will only escalate and make the problem worse. There are many ways to curb reactionary behavior in a moment of anger and frustration. It’s always good to use strategies that have worked in the past and to try new ones when old ones stop working.

Evidence-based ways to calm down

RELAX: Alternatives to Anger teaches that there are many proven ways to shift away from an emotional reaction when needing to calm down quickly, including:

• Listening to music.
• Reading.
• Breathing exercises.
• Go for a quick run or walk.
• Imagining a peaceful place.
• Step 3: Don’t take it personally. We all have bad days and sometimes this includes conflict with others, which is a normal part of life. Sometimes we allow other people’s negative behavior to impact us in negative ways. Working on the ability to emotionally regulate requires us to acknowledge that we can only control ourselves. We are never able to control what another person says, does or thinks. Therefore, attaching happiness or contentment to someone else’s behavior is not productive. A good place to start when emotionally activated is to tell yourself, “It’s not about me!” or use some other personalized statement that helps you find your pause.
  
  
• Step 4: Listen to the person who is angry and focus on the “feelings” behind their words. Anger is a secondary emotion and masks other emotions, such as sadness and fear, primary emotions, which can leave us feeling exposed and vulnerable. When we can see beyond another’s anger and into what the anger may be masking, it may help our own understanding of the problem and lead to resolution or even forgiveness. Lastly, when it comes to listening, it can help to do twice as much listening as talking to really “hear” what others are trying to say and more importantly, how they feel.

Active listening is harder than it sounds but is essential to effectively communicate with others when trying to solve problems. Active listening can build trust, improve mutual respect, increase understanding of another person’s feelings, and diffuse conflict. There are many effective ways to show someone that you are engaged and actively following what they are saying. Studies have shown that showing interest in what someone is saying to you through nodding your head, leaning forward and asking questions goes a long way in helping someone feel heard. Also, knowing when to avoid interruption, such as staying silent until the other person is done talking and withholding judgment are also effective ways to actively listen.

• Step 5: Think of solutions together. Talk about or write down possible options that might work for everyone involved. If the first solution you try does not work, don’t give up. Problem solving is a process and takes time, focus, and intentionality. Sometimes it is helpful to put the issue aside and pick it back up later with fresh ideas. Staying focused on solutions keeps conversation constructive and productive.
  
  
• Step 6: Check back in. Ask yourself if your needs were met and if others’ needs were met during the problem-solving process. Sometimes, there is no solution or compromise that works for everyone and that’s okay. In these situations, the healthiest thing to do is to agree to disagree. Not all problems end in resolve and not all relationships survive conflict. The important thing is to release the anger and move forward.

Knowing how to apply a problem-solving framework can help curb emotional responses to stressful situations and conflict with others. If you would like to learn more about managing emotions with the help of RELAX: Alternatives to Anger or other social-emotional health and well-being programs, visit extension.msu.edu/healthprograms.